Struggling with Why

It’s a few weeks since we found out Laura’s diagnosis. To say it’s been a tough couple of weeks would be an understatement. Charlie isn’t handling these changes well. I’m grieving still and it may be a while till I’m OK with this diagnosis. For now it’s still hard to think about our future as a family. Don’t get me wrong in saying this, I have so much HOPE. Hope in God, hope in a cure and hope in Laura’s future.

 

I was walking through a store the other day just thinking about Laura. I started thinking about the day we dedicated her at church. I had been praying about what I would say standing in front of everyone. At the time we were just told they thought Laura may have Ataxia because her movements were so all over the place. My heart was hurting we had more questions and no answers. I kept praying, asking God to tell me what I should say if anything. He placed Psalm 139:13 on my heart. For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. As I was walking through the store I started to dissect that verse and add Laura into it. For God created Laura’s inmost being. He knit her together in MY womb. I stopped. I’ve been struggling with the why. I’m not mad, I’m not upset. I’m sad and I just don’t understand why, why did it happen to us; to Laura. I don’t necessarily have to know or need to know why. Maybe this is something God will share with me in heaven. But for some reason he chose MY womb to give life to Laura. He gave me the honor of being her mother. Laura is fearfully and wonderfully made, his works are wonderful, I know that full well. This last part cut out the why completely. It doesn’t matter why when his works are fearfully and wonderfully made. And the why certainly doesn’t matter when I KNOW these things full well.

 

I don’t know if you struggle with the why of things but stopping and realizing that it doesn’t matter because God makes the why obsolete gave me some peace. He’s going to provide me with whatever we need so the why will never matter.

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One thought on “Struggling with Why

  1. Stephanie I literally broke down reading this post. Tears of sadness and joy. I believe the why is because God knows that Laura is in this world with two amazing parents. Parents who will give her the best possible care that she needs now and will need from you both. The journey will not be an easy one. But you both have that strength within you to do the best you can. Charlie is a strong amazing little girl, I know it’s hard on her with the constant appointments and absence taking care of Laura’s needs. As a parent trying to meet Laura’s needs, Charlie’s needs, your household and your needs is a major struggle right now. I know Allen trying to meet his families needs, his job and financial survival and his needs is also a major struggle. It will take a long time especially with the move to make a common ground with life as it will now be. Know once you are in the states that family will be close by to help with it all as much as possible.
    You are the chosen ones to care for this beautiful angel because you can. As mothers we learn to sacrifice ourselves, giving up your time, yourself, your needs to care for this precious gift is the ultimate challenge. Do you have the strength as a mother to put yourself last, yes God knows you do. That’s why you have been blessed with this beautiful, sweet baby girl.

    Liked by 1 person

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